So work and so play.

There's something strange happening.

My job has devolved into pure janitorial duties. Being a security guard is so out the door that I don't even think to scan the room and watch people anymore. It just gets in the way of me changing light bulbs. However I work with good people.

And my art is strange lately too. Im hired to do T shirt designs but once again I feel my stubborn head when it comes to making what I want to make might be keeping them from getting printed. Oh well, there's always Threadless. I'll be applying for a 2D art job with a video game company down the street. I swore off games this summer, ironically, and playing them isn't fun for me really, but somehow I think that makes me better for the job, as I will strive harder to make a game cool looking and fun for someone as critical and jaded as I am.

Jaded. Good word. That's me lately. I have parties constantly. I have great friends, and loves, and health, and things going my way, and yet - there's a disturbing hole there. I don't have answers on how to fill it. I miss people. Some of them won't even talk to me or treat me like a human being. I suck at letting go. I suck at a lot of things others excel at, while I can do things they'll never be able to do. What can I do, really? I have no answers. Maybe I'm just an asshole who will never be happy with anything he has, and I hate those guys.

I realize I'm typing on a blog no one reads but me. I guess it's a good journal for the future, so I can look back and say "Damn, I was a whiney skank back then", just like I always end up doing as I get older. Ha.

My dream used to be: Go to LA, nail gorgeous women, and sell scripts and watch your movies get made.

Now it's: Be a guy with a bike in Chicago, with a small, but cozy apartment, and a nice, normal woman to share a couch with.

I don't know how this happened. I guess it's always been part of me to realize I want more simple things out of life. Too bad this realization came too late for me in some regards. I don't know if I should strive for some hollow chance at greatness or just end up on a ranch somewhere alone and making furniture.

We will see.

- B